Do your arguments or disagreements with your partner seem to last forever? Is it difficult to find a solution to even the smallest issue? In Part 1 of this series, we will look at the habits that we all have that hinder us from finding a resolution to our every day issues in our relationships.

When couples seek out help from a couples counsellor, in many cases they know what their specific issues and difficulties are. They understand that they disagre on parenting, intimacy, or one of the partners have done something to upset the other. However, they struggle to communicate and find solutions to these issues. They seek out counselling in order to have a third person who is not a part of their relationship to weigh in on the conversation.

A couples counsellor recognises their difficulties and assists them in communicating more effectively so that they can have better and more productive conversations with each other. What many couples do not realise is that there are many unhealthy habits that prolong an argument and make them worse. They will be briefly discussed in this blog. Stay tuned for the second part coming soon to learn about solutions to these habits below!

1. Not Talking

When an argument occurs, some people choose to not speak at all. They may retreat to another room, go to bed, or even leave the house. They may do this for fear of the argument getting out of control or saying something hurtful to their partner.

It is OK to step away from the situation in order to calm down and think more clearly. However, this behaviour becomes more of an issue when the conversation is avoided all together.

2. Focusing On Another Issue:

Here, the couple are talking but are choosing to not disuss the issue that is bothering one or both of them. This is a way of avoiding the issue for fear of the argument not ending well.

3. Not Saying What They Really Mean:

This again, is another way of avoiding the conversation. Partners may say that they are happy, when they are not or say that nothing is bothering them, when they are really upset or hurt.

Holding in your feelings can also affect your mental health and does not move you any closer to a solution.

4. Nagging:

You may be very familiar with the term nagging which is done by both men and women. It is when a partner will repeatedly speak about the changes that they wish to see in their partner or their relationship.

This is unhelpful as it does not allow for the other person to communicate, express their feelings, or mutual listening and responding to occur.

5. Changing The Subject:

One or both members of a couple may have a regular habit of changing the subject when the conversation becomes boring, difficult, or awkward.

If both partners engage in changing the subject more regularly, the couple may be finding communication to be difficult and frustrating. This can also be hurtful to one partner if the other is always changing the subject.

6. Being A "Know It All:"

In some relationships, communication can be a one-way process. One partner may have the attitude that they know what is best and are always right.

This can cause the other partner to be unable to communicate their feelings or feel as if their opinions and ideas are not important or valued by their partner. This couple may not have many arguments but they may have difficulty communicating their feelings due to the conversation not being a discussion.

7. Indirect Criticism:

One partner may become critical of the other partner when trying to express his or her feelings. This can include saying statements such as "You make me so angry / frustrated / sad!"

Statements such as this can cause the other partner to feel as if they are responsible for their partner's happiness. This can also put a lot of pressure on them to be the best for heir partner fueling anxiety and fear.

8. Holding Forth:

One partner in a couple may like to say whatever is on their mind without noticing the effect that their words are having on their partner. For example, one partner may speak to no end about a subject that their partner may also find interesting. However, their partner is unable get a word in.

Communication requires a balance of speaking and listening. Both partners should be able to do this as well as notice if what they are saying is positively or negatively effecting their partner.

9. Manner And Tone Of Voice:

In the midst of an argument, one partner may have a valid point. However, the manner of which they are speaking may come across negatively to the other person. The tone of voice may sound angry, cold or frustrated.

The manner or tone of voice of the speaker can cause their partner to feel upset, frustrated or shut off for fear of making the situation worse.

Conclusion:

In the first part of this series, we have briefly discussed 9 habits that individuals have that can make an argument worse and hinder the couple's ability to find a solution to their problem. This is not a complete list as there are many more!

If you would like to read more about habits that we all have, please click here!

Next week, we will discuss ways in which we can combat these habits. If you would like assistance in communicating better with your partner, please contact me via any of the links or by emailing me directly! You can also complete a FREE Consultation Form through my website!

Contact Me: