Men vs Women: Why We Cannot Understand Each Other (Part 2)

Trouble Communicating With Your Partner? Do you feel as if you and your partner do not understand each other? Do your arguments seem to go round in circles without finding a resolution? It could be down to the fact that men and women come from two different worlds!

In the previous part to this article we discussed the four main differences between men and women. The first was their biological makeup. Secondly, we discussed gender identity and gender norms. Lastly, we covered how each sex learned about emotional expression. If you have not read Part 1, please click here.

In the final part of the article, we will be discussing how the above four factors can impact on the way that men and women see their relationship - specifically how they differ in prioritising the relationship, rate their relationship satisfaction, and finally, how both sexes deal with conflict within the relationship.

Are “We” Number 1?

Men and women come into adulthood and their relationships with different expectations of what their partner and the relationship should be like. Based on what they have been modelled and taught during their childhood, they may also arrive to preconceived notions as to who they should be within a relationship. If neither them nor their partner meet these expectations, it is possible that the budding relationship not to develop into a lasting love.

As mentioned in Part 1, women have a focus on building a family and expressing their emotions. This means that building genuine connections with others is highly important to them. For this reason, many women want and expect to feel a closeness with their partner. The importance of their romantic relationship is a high priority and if this desire is not met within the relationship, they may build stronger relationships with family and friends.

This does not mean that men do not desire a strong sense of connection to their partner. In fact, a study of nearly 3,000 married people discovered that mostly all the men reported their closest relationship was with their wife. Men may be focused on being successful. However, they place a large amount of their desire for close relationships into a smaller circle of people.

Think about your relationship. Does your male partner lean on you a lot emotionally? Does your wife share intimate close relationships with several people? This does not mean that either partner values the relationship any more or less than the other. It simply means that men and women differ in the amount and quality of their close relationships. Men generally find it harder to express their emotions. Thus, they may only open up to a smaller group. Women, express themselves very openly and love to talk. This is why they tend to have many close relationships.

Are You Satisfied?

As men and women have different expectations within a relationship, their marker of satisfaction is also different. As women desire more intimacy, they can measure their satisfaction primarily on this. Women love to talk! Men...not so much. Therefore, men can find intimacy in other elements of the relationship and can enjoy more simple aspects of everyday life. This can make up a man’s intimacy and satisfaction in is relationship.

Due to the differences in measuring relationship satisfaction, men and women often come into conflict because they can have different levels of satisfaction. Women struggle to understand why their partner does not want to talk or share an intimate moment all the time. Men struggle to understand why shopping together, sharing a meal or watching a television program together is not enough quality time.

When both men and women are able to understand the different elements of their satisfaction measurements, they can better understand what their partner needs in order to maintain a healthy and happy relationship. This can also be referred to as your “Love Language.’ Love languages are a way of categorising what you and your partner need in order to show that you love each other. Some people desire gifts. Others desire quality time. Others may desire romantic words or texts. Or a cuddle and a kiss every now and then.

If you want to learn more about Love Languages, click here.

Can You Understand Where I'm Coming From?

As mentioned above, couples can struggle in their relationships due to the expectation of intimacy and showing commitment to the relationship by putting each other first. We can see that these differences in expectation can lead to conflict between members of a couple. But how do they view conflict?

In many cases, a women;s desire to discuss the problem may appear as nagging to her partner. This is because men are more reluctant to discuss the problem. Women may see this behaviour as intentional, causing more conflict within the relationship.

Women are more likely to be in tune with noticing difficulties within a relationship than men and are more likely to want to discuss this. On the other hand, men are unlikely to notice that there is an issue in the first place. This could be interpreted as a man not taking the relationship seriously or not caring.

Men can also have a more positive outlook on their relationship than women. In a study of married couples, men seemed to have a rosier view of almost every aspect of their relationship including sex, finances, and spending quality time together. For a women, this can also impact on her opinion of the relationship and it can also seem as if her partner is not as invested as she is. In actual fact, he is invested to the point that he may feel that things are going smoothly and there is no problems within their marriage.

Final Points:

Now that we know that your gender plays a role in how you act and view your relationship, what do we need to do to make things better? The first thing to note is that this concept does not apply to every man and women. It is very possible that some men may be more willing to discuss a relationship issue than their female partner. It is also possible for some women to speak less frequently about their relationship issues.

In order for couples to find resolutions to their problems and compromise, they must realize and acknowledge that there are gender differences and work on overcoming them.

At Elpis Box Couples Counselling, I will work with couples to better understand their differences and how to work through them. Communication about your feelings, needs, and desires can really help both parties to understand the inner workings of their partner. We can walk you through whatever issues you are facing and assist you in finding a solution and compromise.

If you would like to schedule an appointment with me, please complete the Consultation Form. I will respond within 24 hours and we can book your first video, chat, or voice session.