When starting a new relationship, talking about our exes can be difficult. No one really likes to hear about what their currrent love interest has been up to before them. It can cause them to feel insecure or even wonder if you are interested in them. However, having this tough conversation can help both of you in the long run! In this article, we will discuss how talking about your past relationships can benefit your current relationship!

Your Unique Blueprint To Love:

I guess you are wondering how talking about someone else can help you learn about the person in front of you? As you date and get to know other people who may be a potential life partner, you also learn about yourself and what you like and dislike. Do you enjoy public displays of effection? Do you enjoy receiving cards and gifts? Do you require a high level of intimacy? All of these questions are answered by having different experiences with other partners.

Let’s consider yourself as a blank sheet of paper before you go on your first date or have your first crush. With each new experience whether good or bad, it is added to your sheet. You build a list of good experiences and bad. Each person you date will fall into a category and all of these personality types help you to create an idea of the kind of person you would like to end up with for a lifetime. You carry this sheet with you in each relationship. But what do you do with this information?

The information that you hold from your past is like a blueprint to building a strong and lasting relationship fro your perspective! By sharing your blueprint with potential partners you are giving them the tools to shape a lasting relationship with you. It can give you a chance to share what will build a strong relationship with you, what your deal0breakers are, what you like and dislike, and what really makes you the perfect match for them. In turn you learn the same things about them!

Having an open dialogue about past relationships is not a way of comparing your past to your future. It is in fact a way of building a stronger future. If both partners are transparent and true about their unique blueprint, they can then make an informed decision about if they would like to continue on the path towards a lasting relationship with you. On the other hand, you will know sooner rather than later that they are not the right person for you. Better sooner than later right?

Secure In Your Foundation:

Once you have begun to discuss your past with your partners, you can also begin to become more secure in what you want. It can build a great foundation for you as an individual. Knowing what you want in a partner can also help you to see the characteristics in others that you do not care fore. For example, if your past relationships tend to be with those who are very clingy or require a lot more attention than your are willing to give, you will then know that you are looking for someone who is a bit more independent. If having a partner who spends a lot of time on his or her Xbox is not something that is desireable to you, then you also know that you desire someone who is not heavily into video games.

Paying attention to your own unique blueprint will give you the security of knowing exactly who you are and knowing exactly what you want. This will lead to less wasted time or finding out that someone was not right for you further down the line.

After years of dating before I met my husband at 28, you can imagine how long my blueprint was! However, I was confident in who I was and what I wanted. I walked into the relationship, able to state this clearly and effectively It took time to “gather my research” but once I was equipped, it was easy to decide if this relationship was worth my time. I was lucky enough that he had also done his research and also had his blueprint to share openly. Together, we talked about our pasts and how it impacted on us now. We knew what we wanted and this was the powerful, strong, sturdy foundation for our relationship!

Get Closer:

Like in the example above, it just so happened that I found someone who was also in tune with their own blueprint for a successful relationship! Not only does an understanding of yourself and being able to share this with others assist you in building lasting relationships, it also can help you to gain confidence in who you are and what you want. This can then open the door for closeness and intimacy on a whole new level in your relationship!

From a couples counsellor perspective, talking can be the best form of therapy. This is why talking out our issues is of such benefit. The same is for talking about our past relationships. When we engage in these conversations, we build intimacy and closeness with our partner. We are giving of ourselves and being our most vulnerable. Some of our past experiences my be difficult to talk about. However, this can help your potential life partner to understand you better. It also gives both of you a chance to be there for each other in a time of need. You can also decide based on their reaction to your disclosures if they are able to be there for you when things get difficult within the relationship.

Final Thoughts:

Having an open dialogue with your current partner about your exes can be a very daughnting task. However, this is not something that should be done in one night. You can periodically mention things from your past when the right moment arises. The point is to be open to the idea that your partner was in a previous relationship to you. Those relationships had good and bad parts - just as your relationships have. Being open to sharing these experiences will help the relationship grow stronger.

If you feel that you would like some assistance with beginning the conversation about your exes with your current partner, please reach out!

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